No-one warned me that the older the house, the bigger the insects. I’m spooked by the mutant army of up-sized bugs who’ve been invading our 1904 brick bungalow.

The Daddy-Long-legs have taken up squatting rights above the shower and patrol there on stilts. Their extended family has taken over the cornices in our living room. I suck them at warp speed into the vacuum cleaner but they travel around in it like a caravan. I know this because when I last opened the lid to change the bag, a Daddy-long-legs crawled out from inside the cavity and took off to inspect the spare bedroom.